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Man Saves Tree from "Death Sentence"
Picture this: A 150-year-old birch wood tree is resting next to an imminent landfill site. What do you do? Well, Edgar "Tree Boy" Woods has chained himself to the tree for the last 5 months in protest of its destruction.
"To put waste on this site is simply...um...a waste". Indeed Tree Boy was very bemused at the fact the landfill site would be located on this empty plot of land just outside Worcester. The tree itself claims Tree Boy is part of the town's heritage and has been there "Before you and me" and shouldn't be cut down. Edgar explains, "Basically they were committing an innocent tree to a death sentence because it was simply in the way".
Edgar has received much praise for his dedication to the tree and is currently still chained to the birch wood, stating that he should have the "Same sentence as the tree".
Some environmentalists have been full of praise for Edgar's involvement in the cause. Jane Stimpson, a local environmentalist who has taken part in such demonstrations in the past such as "Over My Dead Body is that Farm Being Removed" and "What are you Planning to do with that Tractor? - Fight back!", vowed that Edgar had to be careful with his plan "Otherwise he will end up part of that garbage as well, meaning another tragic loss and defeat".
It is expected Edgar will continue with his fight for the tree's justice but with Christmas approaching Edgar is concerned that he will miss his Christmas dinner. "I'd like to have the whole thing sorted by Sunday, otherwise I may have to take a break over the holiday period because I've always loved Christmas, providing we have a fake Christmas tree".
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Jelly Flies the World!
The World's first solely - manned monkey air balloon took off today with the hope it will soon be in the record books. Jelly, the first monkey to take full command of a hot air balloon took off from South Africa and heads across the Atlantic on what will take him about 13 months to circle the world. Jeremy Iron, Jelly's coach and adopted parent is thrilled to see the young monkey take the reigns of the hot air balloon, after a 3 year spell of intense training and some part-time military service. "Jelly is certainly up for the task he's clever and most of all can cope on his own", said a proud Jeremy, who will certainly miss his "best friend" while he is out globetrotting.
Jelly, who has watched Jeremy fly his hot air balloon for several years now, and has often gone out with him on his frequent trips to foreign soil. But this time, Jeremy wants Jelly to take sole charge of the balloon now because he was merely acting as a "jester" in his campaign. It seems that Jeremy was holding back Jelly's talents for flying and the competent monkey is ready for any problems that may occur on his trip around the world, that will surely grip the world, and the Cruelty To Animals people will probably be gripping the neck of Mr Iron for letting this happen.
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Elderly Man Swept out ot Sea by Giant Straw Hat
An elderly man has today been tragically swept to sea by what was described to be a giant straw hat. The event occurred on the North Wales coastline, and it is expected that the elderly man was carried all the way across the Irish Sea before being picked up by a drunken Irish sailor circling the coastline for valuable items.
The identity of this man is unknown and the police and lifeguard officials are looking for any witnesses that may have been present at this time. The giant straw hat is said to have swept the man some one hundred yards before depositing him out to sea, beyond the help of any willing lifesavers.
How the hat was able to achieve such a feat is unanswerable, but sceptics believe that the straw hat had been watching the elderly man's whereabouts and actions for a good majority of the day, with the intent to sweep the man up without him knowing.
It is believed the hat does not intend to stop there, and several coastal warnings have been given, stopping children and small animals from entering any coastal town between the hours of 7am and 7pm. Lifeguards at this point have stated they have no way of stopping such action as of yet, and are working on a cause of preventative measures.
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Sailors and Truckers in Job-Swap
Sailors and truckers are expected to make an imminent job-swap, as they vow for a change in their way of work. The Trucker's Union met on Wednesday morning to confirm the deal that they will indeed be swapping roles with sailors for a short time. "We both have similar criteria for our jobs, long hours, poor pay and often being away from home. Obviously for governmental reasons none of that criteria can be changed but we can try to differentiate the work for them" stated driver Paul Bowers who delivers cheese around Europe from a farm in Surrey. Sailors are looking forward to the task of driving something with wheels for a change and are "extremely looking forward to" the obvious motorway blockages and the renowned motorway services.
For Paul, he gets a chance to take his driving skills out onto the oceans where he often "Dreamed of travelling the world in his high-powered dinghy". Paul's dreams have definitely come true, as he will be given full control of a shipping boat in the New Year. The question of training still remains but sailors are confident that they will pick up the skills quickly as they learn to drive something that is "Easy as pie compared with lugging fish around a boat for 5 months"
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Thailand Chosen As Tree Cutting Olympic Destination
After a long drawn-out ballot process Thailand has been chosen as the next Tree Cutting Olympic destination, where 2000 acres of land is expected to be lost. Most countries are expected to be putting in their best craftsmen for the Olympics as they aim for the record books.
Thailand officials were said to be very angry at the news their country would be losing such valuable land to what is merely "a game" claimed one official.
Yet the Tree Cutting Olympic Committee have stressed that this land "Will be replanted after the games" and that the land was being used for something that would have the "World hooked".
They went on to say, "If I were in Thailand's position I would be delighted that we were chosen for the Olympics to be held in such a prestigious Country Park. They will be attracting the very best in tree cutters around the world, and should be glad of their involvement in such a dedicated sport".
Edgar "Tree Boy" Woods has apparently opened discussions with the Thailand government to begin protest work on the land straight away.
As far as we know Edgar's offer has been "refused" by the government, as they want a "Professional" to complete the task.
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Bus Driver sees the Light
A bus driver nearly tragically killed 45 people on a bus today as he headed to what he described as "The Light". Derek Fazakerly was driving his bus towards the city of Sheffield when all of a sudden "I had a vision and headed towards what was a giant light above one of the old train tunnels". (It was these train tunnels that have incidentally been improved over the last 6 months for trains to be used again within the turn of the New Year.)
Mr Fazakerly, aged 53, says that the light "Was there to be claimed". He says "I knew we would be alright, even when the bus went slightly off the road into a nearby quarry, I just kept thinking this was the light I have been looking for".
The bus driver has since been reprimanded in custody pending a further inquiry into the situation, which put the passengers on the bus and local quarry diggers in danger.
An enquiry is also set to take place into "The Light", and why it caused Mr Fazakerly to take such drastic action with so many people on board.
"I just hope they forgive me for what I did, I know it was silly, but I am sure of what it meant and I wasn't going back".
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Hill Walkers Swolen
The latest claims for Hitchhiker ID's have been strongly backed up today after 3 hill walkers were tragically swollen as they walked the Scottish Highlands. It is thought that the walkers were swollen at the summit of a local hill in the area.
Onlookers claim they saw the three hikers "Set off in fine spirit in the morning, looking forward to their day's walk".
Yet things turned sour as they headed towards the top of one local peak, left to fend for themselves against a landscape that leaves something to be desired. It is thought that the hill walkers took the wrong turning and ended up walking across terrain "That they simply couldn't cope with".
The hill walkers are said to be a group of welders from Southern England who regularly went out walking in their local countryside.
The Countryside Commission now says, "You walk at your own risk if you decide to go out into the wilderness". It seems this may be a major deterrent for those of us who love the countryside.
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